“Eleanor of Aquitaine” by Caro and Nick, Paris

LOVE & HEARTBREAK

The bright, beautiful duchess of Aquitaine
Was married to the king of the Franks, and then
They went off to crusade,
Coward Louis, dismayed,
Was forced to come back to France again
The marriage of Ella and Louis,
Was annulled due to consanguinity,
Protofeminist Ella
Simply grabbed a new fella,
But this one she banged much more fluently.
So this chap mounted Albion’s throne,
From frenchmen eliciting groans,
As Ella became Queen,
Of England’s pleasant green,
Leaving Frankish bereft and alone.
New husband was called Henry Two
Their lovelife resembled a zoo,
They built up an empire,
From Kent to Anjou
To allow all their kids their own due.
The inevitable medieval infidelity,
put a strain on Lady Eleanor’s fealty,
Ambitious and hot,
She started to plot,
So Henry locked her up and threw away the key.
Soon hubby number two kicks the bucket,
And Ella, says, “you know what, fuck it”
I’m taking the crown,
I’m going to town,
And all you other peasants can just suck it.
In fact, her son Richard held sway,
A favourite of hers, any day
A big lion heart,
But never a tart,
As he provided no heir – he was gay
We’ll draw a veil over our ladies’ affairs,
She outlived all her kids and their cares,
With Plantagenet line,
up and running just fine,
She retreated to Fontrevraud, her final lair.