Love Square by Maida Sheikh

It’s fair to say that I have become intolerant.

I’ve come to detest that face. The way the lips curl up in a mean snarl or ‘I-know-it-all’ smirk- wish i could slap it into a wall.

So here we are, staring at each other, wondering why we’re even wasting our time. And then i blurt out, ‘ I’m getting married.’

I know it caught you off-guard. Didn’t think i’d do it? Didn’t think i’d take the plunge? Neither did i.

Where were you when i needed you? Where did you vanish off to? Lame excuses – ‘i was going to call you, but you came before i could…’- tumble from your lips. I believe you; your ego doesn’t come in a small size. You take your time, plan it out and then move.

I did the same, and it didn’t work. All those years of trying to take care, to balance it out and be fair, to wait for it and what have i got to show for it? Love scorned eh? Ah yes, and a cigarette burn on my right shoulder.

Remember? We didn’t sleep, we watched each other, we played a cat-mouse game…by the end we were mentally exhausted and there were tears and clothes on the floor. It was the effect of the alcohol, i am sure of it,because you cupped my face in your hands, looked me right in the eyes, and kissed my lips. You turned me around slowly and i turned my face to see yours; and then you kissed my neck. I watched in slow motion as you lit your cigarette and took a deep puff of all those nasty chemicals into your lungs…you exhaled, your eyes and mine were locked…and that is when you burned a small moon on to my right shoulder.

Stop looking at me that way. I’m sick and tired of being ‘too emotional’ for you; i’m done hearing about how you can’t handle me. Stop looking at me like you love me and you’re trying too hard to make yourself an asshole. You are in severe denial.

I know you’re shocked. Your face is contorting again. Is it because you’re watching me lose my mind?

I walk and walk; i’ve been walking forever. I hear the familiar rumble of your car…and there you are.

I hate the way you frown…it tugs on my heart and makes me want to turn it upside down; however cheesy that sounds. So

I’m back again, watching the way your face moves. I distance myself. I’m thinking it will be another two weeks of silence.

I see you move forward, the teary eyes and wobbly chin and i break.

I want to break your head against the steering wheel; i want to know why i can’t have you; why nothing works out and why you try to shield yourself away from me.What is WRONG with you…more importantly, what’s wrong with ME? Why won’t you take me as i am?

The words that were in my head tumbled out of my lips, and it is a tear-fest. I can hear resignation and stress in your voice, guilt burns us…and all of a sudden we’re back on square one- the lost boys trying to find ourselves while we try to find our way home.