“Only Child” by Diego Gomez Pickering, Marias sur Seine, France

Dreams October 9, 2011 21:43

topic: DREAMS medium: TEXT

as shared at an event in Marias sur Seine

Image by Aliona Solomadina

There were only two things she knew for sure: that she could not fall in love even if she wanted to and that as long as she could remember she had not been able to sleep, or dream for that matter. But as far as she was concerned this was more of a blessing than a curse. Although persistently present in her life, love was simply something she felt completely detached from. For her, love was simply a waste of time, just like dreaming. Love was a pointless and purposeless idea that drove people, in the best of cases, insane. Love and sleep, as seen from her perspective, annihilated consciousness and made the world lose a lot of time. They were just not worth the effort.

The phone started ringing quite intensely. She was upstairs working at her studio, her lovely features hidden beneath traces of paint and pastel. She had only two more days to meet the deadline for her newest exhibition, her first time solo in one of the city’s best gallery spaces. She liked to think of herself as a non-conformist rather than as a perfectionist, even when she was none. She had not a minute to waste if she wanted to be done on time but the “stupid” phone did not stop ringing. She frowned but could not miss her naturally beautiful looks.

You have reached Katie, please leave a message after the tone and I will get back to you as soon as possible. Just do not take it personally if it takes me a while. You know, I am usually quite a busy person.

– Hey girl, it’s me! I know you are working and not to be disturbed but I really need to talk to you. I cannot stand it any longer. I feel I am dying. I am a mess, been crying all day long. Please call me. Don’t hang up on me, not now! Love you!

She could not believe it. “How dared she calling me again and complaint about her love life misdeeds!” She blamed herself for having such an emotionally lousyfriend; but could not help feeling compassion for her constant depressions and upside down moods. Her life-long friendship was something she felt very proud of. Being an only child, due to a couple of miscarriages by her mother and the early death of a brother she did not have any recollection at all, made her relationship with Samantha a cornerstone in her life. She was like the little sister she never had, and from Katie’s point of view she totally behaved like one. Samantha’s erratic life and choices reassured her self-confidence and awoke her big sister’s instincts. What would a lost soul like Samantha’s, continuously but mistakenly falling in love and impossibly dreaming of unreachable scenarios, do without her centered and far-reaching advice. It was mainly this sense of misunderstood correctness and mischievous superiority that made her to be readily available whenever needed by her demanding friend. But this time around she could not allow herself to be dragged. It was only a couple of days ago that she had her last hours- long “therapy” session with Samantha over her paranoiac reaction to the latest dejà vu with a former ex-boyfriend. She cannot afford to go through that again, especially not with a deadline on her shoulders. It could wait; Samantha and her love longing existence could and should wait to hear her comforting counseling for the umpteenth time in a row. “Enough mental chattering, enough nonsense, I have

She spent the next two days and nights locked up in her studio, she did not eat nor drink much, just a couple of apples, a toast with some hazelnut spread and a bottle and a half of French red wine. She did not even think much. It was all about painting and repainting, obsessively and without interruptions. She did not even hear much, not the ring bell announcing an urgent delivery at her front door or the few more attempts Samantha did on the phone. The messages on her answering machine went as unnoticed as the world passing by. Her whole self was concentrated on that canvas hanging from the otherwise sterile wall.

It is simply fantastic darling. I am so proud of you. And I am sure so would be your father if we was still around. You have a gift Katie and you have always known how to make the best out of it. I love you sunshine, you know that right?

Her mother kept on talking but she would not listen to her. Senseless words that seemed out of place in such an important, and as usual, sleepless night. The opening of her solo exhibit was a success. She always knew it would be so. She was happy but tired. She did not want to answer any more questions not to hear any more compliments. She was done with that. Flashlights and art-dealers, fellow artists and purchase orders. She could not care less. She wished Samantha could have been there. She missed her that night but could understand her absence, considering her friend’s passionately high maintenance personality. She was sure she was still upset on her not getting back the calls, maybe still heartbroken from that unwise re-encounter she had with her former lover. She was going to call her as soon as she could get back home.

Darling, it is me, mom. Please pick up the phone. I know you are there.

Every time she heard her mother she confirmed her mistrust on love. How could there be such a tedious feeling? She was not going to answer, she was exhausted after the show opening but something made her pick up the phone.

I know this might not be good timing but I felt you needed to know. Samantha’s mother just dropped by and… well, the police found her death body at her apartment this afternoon. Apparently it was a sleeping pills overdose. Oh, honey, I am sure…

The phone fell to the floor. She was speechless. Her eyes and mouth wide open.  Her heart pinched and her soul ached. At that precise moment she realized she had always been in love. She knew that she was cursed. She started crying like a baby and eventually, as she has not done in ages, fell asleep. She had a dream. A dream she would not dare to wake up from ever again.

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