“No Intention of Ever Sleeping with Me” by Atisha Paulson, NYC

Gossip September 4, 2011 20:10


Jamie told me on the second night of our vacation that she had no intention of ever sleeping with me. She said she hoped I wouldn’t hate her. I felt crushed and rejected but somehow relieved at the same time. I always suspected this wasn’t quite right no matter how much I wanted it to be. We just weren’t meant to be together, not like that. I had love in my heart for her but it wasn’t that kind.

We slept side by side in the queen size bed as the waves crashed against the shore in frustration outside our bungalow. She stayed on her side and I stayed on mine. I reached out to touch her but she wasn’t there. She had disappeared into the dark.

The next morning, the sunlight streaming through the windows woke me from my slumber. I looked over to where I remembered seeing her last. There she was, glowing in the soft morning light like an angel. I wanted to kiss her delicately on the lips but I was afraid to wake her from her dreams.

I wanted something more because I couldn’t have it. I asked her why. She said that if we were to sleep together everything would change. She would become needy and call me everyday and that if I didn’t pick up she would grow to hate me and she didn’t want to hate me because I meant too much to her. Because she said loved me. There was solace in her words but I wanted to be wanted and now I knew I wasn’t. Maybe I never really had been or perhaps the window had finally slammed shut in the wind, my fingers crushed beneath the pane.

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